Sunday, January 30, 2011

How I Decided To Come Out Of The Closet

It was a very cold December morning and I was home alone when I was awakened by the sound of my mother's voice calling my name from a great distance.  My mother was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver 37 years ago.  I slowly raised my head off my pillow so I could scan the room one pixel at a time.  I was not frightened.  I know I will never see my mother again in this life.  I sat up to a comfortable position as I enjoyed the warm feeling of my mother's presence until the feeling gradually subsided.  I jumped out of bed and decided to take a warm shower and get back in bed for another couple hours of sleep.  It was one of the most awful mornings of my life.  Well, maybe it wasn't the most awful because it motivated me to start this journey to Celebrate Living my best life.  After I got out of the shower, instead of just drying myself off and getting back into bed as planned,  I felt wide awake, so I looked at myself in the mirror instead of looking the other way as I normally do.  The mirror is a full-length slider door that leads to my clothes closet and is one that I try to avoid.  But, on this particular morning I felt some kind of inner power that I couldn't resist that seemed to direct me to LOOK!  When I turned and looked at my nude body I felt so ashamed and sad because I felt that I had neglected a valuable part of me.  Yes, I saw the damage I had done by lack of exercise and sitting most days creating miniatures which is a passion that I don't want to give up.  I looked at myself in the mirror as tears started to flow down my cheeks and I felt so much self-pity. My swollen lymphedema arm for which there is no cure, looked out of place.  My best looking boob was sagging too far and the other boob was looking so pitiful just hanging there scarred from a lumpectomy 11 years ago.  It wanted to be loved and through my tears I threw it a kiss and told it how much I loved it.  I raised my swollen arm to my lips and kissed it too.  Afterwards, I wrapped both arms around my body as snugly as I could and peeked through the tears at the rest of my body and said, "I'm going to help you too."  When I stepped inside the closet to get a robe, my body was dry except for tears and I screamed to the closet as loud as I could, "I'm coming out of here!"

Thank you Mama! Thank you Yolanda!  Thank you God!  Tomorrow I start my third week of training for the Disney Marathon!

1 comment:

Yolanda Holder said...

Congrats Felma for coming out of the closet! Good luck!